Alien and I are at odds big time. She's got it up her butt that the grass is greener over at Bubba's house and refuses to come home. Period. Nor will she discuss with me in an adult manner what it is that is bugging her. I have an idea - she's hated this house since the day we moved into it 14 years ago. Other than that what we've talked about in the past I *thought* was resolved.
I tried to talk reasonably to her and her father over the phone to no avail. I went to the cop shop, but that was a waste of time. They say as a 17 year old she can pretty much do what she wants, regardless of the court papers saying she's in my custody until she reaches the age of 18.
I'm an emotional basket case right now.
I asked that she come tomorrow after school so we can talk this out. No luck. She only wants to come get her stuff.
I'm devastated.
This is the daughter that I *thought* we could talk about anything with each other. I guess I was wrong.
I don't know what to do here. I'm numb. Do I just let her go to live there, and probably only see her only on the weekends? Or do I fight this in court? He's not a good parent, but I've blogged about that in the past. The courts long ago determined it's in her best interest to stay with me, that's why they awarded me sole physical custody.
Married Son took me to the cop shop, I am in no condition to drive right now. Talking to him afterward, he says I should just let her go live with Bubba and pray for the best. He says she'll realize eventually what a mistake she made. I'm inclined to agree with him.
But it still hurts like hell.
so sorry.....
ReplyDelete(((HUG)))
Aww I'm sorry to read this Lisa.
ReplyDeleteYou know when Em was running away and telling me she wanted to live somewhere else I spoke to a counselor and they told me the more I fight her and chase after her the more she would rebel against what I was trying to tell her and get her to understand and that as hard as it was I should stop fighting and she would come round and you know she did. I'm sure Cory will too.I know theres other things involved to but taht shouldnt be affected if you havent given your consent.
Wish I had an answer for you (((HUGS))))
I know it hurts. I did that same thing to my own mother and it tore her up. But, something she didn't know was that it tore me up too. I would never admit it but I wanted my mommy. She will come around. I do agree with hjmf though, the more you fight and chase, the faster and harder she will run. I wish I was there to just hug you til you cried it out.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies ...
ReplyDeleteAs much as I hate to do it this way ... you're all right ... the more I fight the more she'll rebel.
When she comes to get her stuff this afternoon I'm not going to fuss or bitch. I'm just gonna ask her if she'll be coming for a weekend visit - which is something she said early on she'd do ... move in with her father, stay with him during the week and then come home here for the weekend.
Needless to say this has been going on since the divorce in 2002. He buys her the things I can't afford. He gives in to her every whim (what non licensed teen driver do you know of that owns a car?) ... basically he buys her love. Then again, he lets her run wild, do what she wants, has no rules for her ... I can't compete with that crap.
And that's what scares me. Look up IGNORANT or DYSFUNCTIONAL in the dictionary and you will see their family portrait as the illustration. I won't get into details ... but after 11 years with that family and seeing how they act and think ... I'm very concerned for her well being.
And I can't do a damned thing about it. Let her go and PRAY that she comes to her senses.
Yup stay calm and detached and you dont need to worry about competing she will eventually see. Its really hard to let go somewhat but it can work in your favor in the end. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above. The more you fight, the more she'll rebel. Have you tried some reverse psychology? "Let me help you pack honey. I hope you don't mind sleeping on the couch when you come visit on the weekends. I want to use your room for my business office."
ReplyDeleteSeriously, by allowing her to make her own choices and allowing her to fail is important to her maturity into adulthood. Don't coddle her and isolate her from failure. If she realizes that she made a mistake, she will learn from it.
Pengy ... When she came last night to get her stuff we talked a bit. No negotiations either ... just talked. She started with this "I want to live with Daddy" first in 2002. It went to court how many times?? Two ... three? Each and every time, after all was said and done the courts denied him custody. This is for a reason!
ReplyDeleteShe knew from day one that if she decides to move out she's NOT coming back. I will not be a revolving door any longer. Sure ... the boys have come and gone in the past but when they return it's been to help me through difficult times. The next time Single Son leaves the nest it will be the last time (so I'm not just excluding Alien from the not moving back in "policy").
So ... yesterday Bubba goes to the family court - Friend of the Court (FOC) it's called here - and says he wants to take over full physical custody. The court referee asked if I, the Mom, was in agreement to this arrangement and he says, "honestly, no she isn't". Bingo! Referee tells him *off the record* that by "harboring [Alien], you are in contempt of court" and would definitely be in loads of legal trouble the minute he files for any changes. Guess he's finally developed a few brain cells in that empty head of his ... he is NOT filing for custody change.
Well, I decided not to force the issue since it would only make her rebel further and probably run away to unknown places. At least this way I can keep an eye on her. Know her movements so to speak ... and maybe with every weekend visits we can start to repair the damages caused by her actions (and that nimrod of a sperm donor has encouraged her to act out!)
I slept better last night. Then again, Married Son and Grandson came over again yesterday just to keep me distracted. And after they left Single Son came into my room to just hang out ... Well, it worked. I ended up exhausted from being so emotional the past two days and fell asleep watching an old episode of "In The Heat Of The Night".