Wow, 29 years ago today my first ex and I were saying our vows. Ten years later we were undoing them.
He taught me a lot in those ten years.
I learned to rely on no one but myself for any of my needs and for my children's needs. Yet, at the same time, I learned that I could rely on my family and certain friends to offer me support, and guidance.
I learned pain. Physical and mental abuse leaves pain, a lot of pain. The physical heals long before the mental injuries do.
I learned to read between the lines. What was the motivation for him suddenly being generous? A guilty conscience. Surely not to show his appreciation of me. For that he usually used his fists.
I learned that money doesn't buy happiness. I learned that I'll gladly give up wealth for certain poverty so that myself and my children can life safely and without fear of him coming home. Being broke all the time, living on the other side of the tracks and driving an old car do not mean that we can't live in a clean, healthy and loving environment. I learned to sacrifice for the kid's sake.
I learned to laugh. It's a hard road, but along the way there's been plenty of things to laugh about. And if there isn't ... create them!
I learned I am a strong person. I can overcome insurmountable odds. I'm not talking poverty. I'm talking overcoming abuse. Mental abuse. Being told you're dirt for so long, you start to believe it. Being called an idiot, ugly, fat ... and those were the nice names he called me! Yes, I am an idiot in that I stuck it out so long! I don't recommend anyone in an abusive situation to say that "yes, I'm an idiot for taking your shit" to him. It was the worst beating I ever got, but yeah, I did say it to his face. Ugly? I used to be pretty before you came along. I'll find it again in me after I've dumped your pathetic a$$. Fat? So freaking what? If it keeps the likes of you off of me all I have to say is ... where's the twinkies? I'm gonna pig out!
I learned to think for myself. This also includes learning to speak for myself. No one believes me when I say I used to be a shy girl. Very shy. I learned to open my mouth, to voice my opinion, and to be very outgoing.
I learned to let go. To let go of the fear, the pain, the anger, the hatred that had built up. I am not his judge, nor am I his jury. He will have his day of judgement, if not on earth, then after. I will, too. Will I be denied my place in Heaven because I could not let go and LET GOD ... Let God be his judge, his jury. I had to let go, to become the best person I could be.
I learned so much more, too. In spite of him. I think the most humbling of lessons was to realize you can still love your enemy. After all he'd done to me, I still loved him for the good he did bring into my life, and there were those good times, too. And who could hate him for those two beautiful, wonderful, loving sons he gave me. I also learned that I can still love and yet I could walk away from a dangerous situation. And in the process ... the biggest lesson of all was ...
LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE!
No matter what others say to you, don't listen to the negativity ... it's NOT true!
Thanks, Exie Poo #1 for all you taught me. Happy Un-Anniversary.
I try to forget the ugliness of my past, just see the good. My oldest daughter's father did some crappy things to me, but he actually asked for forgiveness 8 years later [which I NEVER thought would happen]. It's hard to move on, I've had issues recently with hubby's ex. but hopefully, in time, all of it will be meaningless.
ReplyDeleteKeep going, keep strong, you have realized what most women cannot. You are beautiful, no matter what.
That is beautiful. I'm so glad you are now safe, happy and doing well. I'd not wish for anyone to stay in a marriage just for the sake of preserving the so called peace and keeping up appearances.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great blog Lisa, my circumstances weren't quite the same but I have learnt that I can rely on myself, that I have recovered my self-esteem by being able to provide for my kids alone and that I am in control of my own life once again!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ladies. I long ago forgave him, to the point we're actually friendly towards each other. Every year I try to remember what lessons I learned from him (or in spite of him) and remind myself of where I never want to be again in my life. It's sort of my "New Year" ... that one time a year that I take assessment of my life, what's happened the last year and where I'm at now and where I want it to be.
ReplyDeleteI've been pretty down lately, not sure why. Just remembering how far I've come has helped to lift my spirits a lot.
HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS =)
ReplyDeleteYOU CAN DO IT
YES YOU CAN
Wow girly, you have indeed come a longggg way in life. W2G! What a gr8 story, this has touched me. (((Hugz))) ~Thanxs 4 sharing~
ReplyDeleteNever dwell in the past, but don't shut the door on it either.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about the "being friendly" towards a man who doesn't seem to be a good person - but then again, I guess that just shows what a good person YOU are. I do think that there is something to be learned from every experience good, or bad - and your blog reminded me that with courage and determination, you can always turn lemons into lemonade.....you ROCK, Lisa....
ReplyDeleteCassie .... HUGSSSSSSSSSssssssss back atcha girl!!
ReplyDeleteAngie, funny what we can overcome for the sake of our safety and that of our kids. I never saw myself as a strong person, I just did what I had to do to keep my family safe. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteVickie, you're right. Can't dwell on the past ... gotta live in the present and plan for the future. Don't remember the *war* but remember each battle and what you learned along the way.
ReplyDeleteRight now there's things going on in my life that have been getting me down ... when the going gets tough I stop to remember what I learned in those years - not the hell I went through. It always seems to give me enough strength or courage or whatever to say to myself that I survived *that* I can survive just about anything.
Hugs!!
Em, maybe I should have phrased that a little differently? LOL ... we're not best buds or anything like that, but we are able to be more than civil, to laugh and even joke around when we do bump into each other - as oftentimes happens when there's kids from the relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhere we failed at marriage we've been a success in divorce.
Hugs!!
Theres not much I can say, you have said it all. Apart from I thought before I read this you were amazing now I know you are. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteHelen, shhhhhhh. I had originally posted this last year on 360. When I was deleting that blog I saved a few posts that I thought were real good. I was going through that file a few days before the Un-Anniversary date, and had been in a down mood at the time. Reading it reminded me that if I can overcome *that* I can pretty much get my head out of my ass now and move on with what's been bothering me. Decided that since it renewed my drive, it was worth reposting. If nothing else as a reminder to me that life isn't all that bad ... fix what's broke and move the hell on. Hugs!!
ReplyDelete