I debated even posting this until I realized I can send it to select friends. Just one of those posts I don't want everyone to read, lol.
So, I get to my folks house an hour late yesterday. Wasn't entirely my fault. Ok, yes it was. I was proscratinating by having Married Son check out something on my car that was questionable to me. Anyway ... so I get there late. Mom's in watching QVC and no "hi" out of her, she starts whining that the QVC channel had been out for a few days. Poor thing, how did she survive without her QVC? Dad was napping when I got there, so I didn't go say hi to him immediately.
Mom and I are enjoying the a/c in their den, just chatting. Catching up - gossip sort of thing. Out of the blue her lower lip starts to quiver and she says "I pretend you're in California and I only hear from you at Christmas". WTF? Where the hell did that come from and WHY? Needless to say I start to tear up. Took me a minute or two of sitting there to compose myself enough to say to her "show me where you want the flowers so I can get them planted and get out of your hair". I grabbed my bag and went to my dad's bathroom to change into my work clothes. Daddy was awake, saw my tears and asked what happened. So I told him. I grabbed a smoke from my purse and headed outside afterwards. Mom did not follow immediately. I can pretty much assume Daddy confronted her and told her to be nice. When she did come outside to show me where the flowers were to be planted and how far apart she wanted them, she was real testy, almost violent as she bent over and put the shovel in the dirt a few times, showing me the spacing. Stabbed at the dirt is what she did. We only spoke if we needed to. "Don't use the skimpy ones, just the biggest ones." "I bought too many maybe we should re-space them?" ... that sort of thing.
After I was about half way done, she started to talk to me like nothing was wrong. Here I am still very hurt and my face still tear stained and now she's playing all nice? She never brought up her comment or apologized for it, either. I can usually forgive and forget, but that comment cut to the bone.
Planting done, I went inside to get out of the dirty work clothes and say goodbye to Daddy. He begged me to stay, to go out to dinner with them after all, it is a tradition, he said. Said what Mom said was inexcusable, but he thought I was the bigger person and could get over it.
Out to dinner we went. Applebee's. Had ... hell, I don't remember what I ate now. I was still hurt. Tilapia something or other. All through dinner Mom was more typical than I've seen her in a while. Funny, really enjoyed herself. Even teased with the waitress that I'm cheap labor - just bribe me with dinner and she can get me to do almost any chore.
Dinner over, I'm driving their van back to the condo. Mom says to go up the road a few extra miles, she wanted to show me something. We get to that intersection - btw, it's out in the middle of nowhere, there's not even a house there - she says "well we drove this far, why don't we stop in to visit your brother?" 20 Miles later there we are. She wanted to show me something upstairs in Brother Deere's bedroom ... and once cornered there, she starts in again with the emotional burden shit. How the only way she'll be free of the burden is to turn her back on me. Told her to do what she needed to do. I'll do what I need to do, too. It was about that time I noticed a picture of my deceased brother on Brother Deere's dresser, and Mom's words of long ago "It should have been you, not him" came back to haunt me.
After our visit, we headed back to their condo. It was getting late, and I could see lightning off in the distance. The perfect excuse to head home!! Thank the Goddesses! What I don't understand is, after bitching about what a burden she thinks I am, she gives me a huge box and three full bags of groceries to take home. She brushes it off with "I buy those buy one get two free sales at Meijer and I over did it, I don't have the room for all this shit. Get it out of here for me."
The rain had started as I drove home. Tears flowing. By the time I got home the storms were pretty bad. I unloaded the car in the rain. Only put away the freezer and fridge items, the rest would wait until later. That done, I came back outside and in a downpour just sat on my front stoop and cried. Didn't even dry off when I got in the house later. Why bother? Fell asleep in front of the fan, soaking wet, and still crying.
Mom called me today. All chatty and friendly. Never an apology, like nothing was wrong. I'm still hurt, not everyday you hear your mother say shit like that. And here I thought lately that we'd been doing good in mending a lifetime of hurt between us.
Guess I'll always be the burden. The black sheep. Guess I'll never be good enough in her eyes.
If it weren't for Daddy, maybe, just maybe I'd start apartment hunting in California.
Lisa - she's old and clearly she's got issues. Yes, they were hurtful words -but the rest of her actions demonstrate that she's clueless about what comes out of her mouth. Could be early stage dementia (hope not) - could be an issue with her meds - chances are what she said has little to do with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd although it's easier said than done - try to remember that she has no power over you except what you allow her.
You know who you are and what you've accomplished with your life.
i have to agree--i know she's been mean in the past, but her rapid flip-flops sound more like either a mental instability or early senility. it's what came to my mind.... i think it's not directed at you as much as it seems, painful as it may be no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI agree with them. Not as directed at you as it seems. Not sure why she wants you to hurt, it is her pain.
ReplyDeleteHUG
(((((Lisa)))))
ReplyDeleteYour mom really does sound a lot like my mom and the amount of times I used to procrastinate about visiting. I know lots of times if I was 'late' then that would be a bad day you could guarantee it wouldn't be nice for me!
Did you find out why she said it? I don't know how many times you visit or call and I can only relate by why my mom would say something like that and that would be that I didn't call or visit enough (in her mind) and would never say anything like Helen I miss you because you don't visit enough, it would be something similar to what your mom said. Then everything would be normal well her conversation would be normal.
Re your brother, my younger brother died from a drug overdose when I was 8 mths pregnant with Emily and he was the baby of the family and for so many years when I was growing up I watched on as she was as affectionate as her nature allowed her to be with him, but never with me and she never uttered those words to me that the wrong child died but you can feel them, I know she thought it at different times.
Like you their words can cut to the bone and hurt more than you ever expect them to and ignoring them is really hard all it does is make you not want to visit again for fear that you will be verbally attacked for something else.
I don't know what changed with mom and me, she nearly died with the legionnaire's and that's when some change was noticeable(also on my part because I wasn't ready for that I actually wanted to mend bridges with her) and also with her watching and listening to how I was dealing with Emily and her issues, mom started to see me differently.
And the grocery part giving them to you and the way she did it yep that makes perfect sense to me helping you out but in a way so that you don't think shes doing it because she cares hence get it out of here for me.
Mending fences is a really long road and usually just when you think everything is fine there's an attack of some sort that leaves you wondering what the heck happened.
Years ago I was at a low point emotionally and mom attacked me and I lost it I yelled at her why don't you like me and why is everything I do never good enough ~ there were a lot of tears on both sides and bottom line it boiled down to I was a strong person in her eyes stronger than she ever was (I don't know how that made it ok) She doesn't realise she made me like that. The truce didn't last long a few weeks later it was something about me she didn't like.
We can all say don't take it to heart but it hurts I know how your feeling and I cant offer a solution because I never had one for me.
Its weird, she talks about my sisters (badly at times) and she trusts I wont repeat it, she knows I wont and her excuse is because I am the only one she can talk to and say what she really thinks, but she gets defensive if I tell her she is not being nice.
It is her emotional vulnerability Lisa and not something she will admit to, you are a very strong person, so maybe your mom is pretty much like mine and doesn't fathom how much it hurts because beneath it all we're not that strong after all!
I have totally blogged on your blog!
Hugs!!!!
I agree with some of them up there! She almost sounds like she's maybe experiencing a bit of dimentia. Don't take it personally. It sucks that your mom doesn't know how much you ROCK like the rest of us do. Hang in there and we can't pick our relatives. I WISH!!!!
ReplyDeleteHave a great week!
Thanks all, for your words.
ReplyDeleteWe do suspect some type of senility or dementia, but to get her in to a doctor's office - well, forget it, I have a better chance of winning the lotto than we do of getting her to the docs office.
She's made comments like this pretty much all of my life, but more indirectly than she has recently. Lately she's been point blank with her shots at me. We've never been close, she and I ... but Daddy and I are close. We all know if it wasn't for Dad and my brother when he was alive the family would have deteriorated long ago. And it's pretty much been this way since 1969 shortly after the "baby" was born (my deceased brother).
I really know I shouldn't hold a lot of weight in what Mom says, but at the same time they cut like a knife. I can't fathom ever telling any of my kids something like that.
Oh well, life goes on. We'll make some sort of amends in the future. Get along for Daddy's sake.
You must be very devoted to your father to put up with that kinda of abuse from your mother. She may be mentally unbalanced enough for you to overlook some things, but I wouldn't be able to tolerate that, even from my mom. If ANYONE said to me, "It should have been you", my response would be, "As far as you're concerned it was, I'm no longer here for you".
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have your dad and your kids to show you the love you deserve. I know that no matter what, she is your mother (and we all crave love and acceptance from our mothers) so it hurts deeply when they aren't there for us. Just know that she is the one with the problem and it is her loss that she is not recognizing what a special person you are.
Lisa, I'm going to be very honest here... maybe TOO honest! (sorry!) I've known you for 13 years now and I dislike your mother immensely only because I know how much verbal abuse you have taken from her. This is not uncommon behavior for someone with dementia but this has been going on since 1969! It's time to take back your power. You have given her power over your emotions and given her control over how you feel. The next time she says something hurtful, don't walk away and then go plant her flowers! Look at her and say "Mom, what you just said right now was very hurtful. Why did you say that to me? Saying hurtful things to me is unacceptable. I think we should talk about this before I go outside and plant your flowers." If she doesn't respond, then go home. Control what you have control over... your own physical and mental well-being. Ok, I think I've said enough so I'll get off my soapbox now and duck! =) Love ya!!
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